Dreams Come True

When I found out I was going to be a mom, I was scared to death. I was quite sure I would do everything wrong. As his due date came closer, I felt so much love; I knew he deserved the best of everything. A couple years and a lot of trauma later his baby sister was born. He adored her as much as I did. The two of us bonded even more because of our love for my sweet baby girl. She was so sick for the first year and a half of her life and I felt like a failure as a mom. Then the three of us found ourselves on our own. I was sure I was a terrible mom and that my kids would be taken from me at any moment. They were my whole world, my reason to fight to make a better life. I struggled with my inside terror of losing them. I cried myself to sleep more nights than night. I fought to teach them high moral standards and good manners. I taught them to live the life God would want them to. But still, I was terrified of losing them. I struggled through deep, deep depressions. Then just as life seemed to be getting better, I lost my dad and the best paying job I'd ever had in the same week. I spiraled down into a deeper depression than ever. I pretended to be tough because my mom and my kids needed me. I could barely function, and could not stand to be alone. Again, life got better. I got my dream job. Payroll and bookkeeping at a popular greenhouse. My bosses were amazing. They allowed me to work around my kids' schedules. I had never felt so respected in my job as I did there. And again my world crumbled. I woke up one day unable to walk on my own. I went to the hospital and after several days of testing I was told I have MS. I was put in the rehab ward for a month and learned to walk again. My mom stayed with my kids all that time and again I felt like the worst mom in the world. I was a complete failure. I couldn't go back to work. I couldn't drive. I was always tired. I felt completely useless. I failed. I wasn't teaching my kids the value of hard work. Finally after a year I got a part time job that barely used my education and talent. But the board was happy with me and it was the best I could do. By this time the kids were teens and because I was always tired I didn't have the energy to go out or to drive them to a lot of places they wanted to go. Because I could only work part time I couldn't buy them the "cool stuff" or take them on the kinds of vacations their friends were going on. I always felt bad. I always felt that I wasn't good enough. I was failing. I failed at getting the career I dreamed of. I was not able to give the kids the life I wanted them to have. Nothing was going as planned. But I consoled myself that I loved them, and they loved me. It wasn't enough. I still didn't feel like I had worked hard enough. Then just before he turned 17, Aaron moved in with his father. For three months we had no communication and no definite confirmation that he was actually there. I was heartbroken, devastated, worried and scared out of my mind. My kids had always been so close so I was terrified that Kristianne would follow him. Instead, their bond was weakened. That upset me too, and there was nothing I could do to help my sweet little princess to deal with all the things that came with that. I finally felt ready to take on a full time job. I took it, and it was a terrible mistake! My boss would switch from building me up as the best employee she'd ever had to threatening to fire me and back again so fast I'd get whiplash trying to keep up with her. Because of her, I was so stressed and depressed that I had to leave work. My doctor insisted on a medical retirement. Again the bottom fell out of my world. My relationship with Kristianne was becoming so strained and no matter what I did...she was a teenager. Moms are wrong. Moms are out to ruin the fun. Moms never ever want kids to do anything. Moms always just take advantage of their kids. Oh we struggled. We fought. I cried my eyes out. My son didn't want anything to do with us except a few hours on holidays. My daughter hated me and resisted everything I tried to do. We had terrible communication. She thought I wanted to take advantage of her and to hurt her. She had a circle of friends who encouraged that way of thinking. It hurt me to the core. Then I got sicker and needed more help. Then I went blind in one eye. I was so scared! Scared beyond anything I could describe. I hid in my room because I was embarrassed by my eye patch. My balance suffered because of my eyes. Then when my vision came back my legs quit. Other basic functions also stopped working. I became bedridden. I required help to get up. So I became a recluse. I was lonely and depressed. Finally I had no choice but to go to the hospital. I abandoned my baby girl. She was supposed to be graduating from grade 12 and I was laying in a hospital bed able to do nothing. I couldn't encourage our help her to write papers or study. I was useless. She has never told me so, but I think she was angry that I left her. She became rebellious and our relationship became more strained again. I could no longer drive. I couldn't even stand long enough to make a Tassimo cup of coffee. I tried so hard to cook and clean from my wheelchair, but I couldn't do much. I was a useless blob. My child had to shop and take care of my home. It was so wrong!
362 days ago I knew something was wrong. I went to the hospital and by the time I got there, I was septic and I was very very seriously ill. I spent 73 days in the hospital. My sweet girl was there for 71 of those days. The sent me home but we both knew I would need care. Our relationship was still not good. We argued about everything. We fought about foolishness. I had never been as unhappy as I was that summer. We got to go on a trip to Vancouver, but things were so strained between us that it was hard to enjoy. I did have some fun, but it all had a shadow over it. Then when we got home, I went septic again. I was back in the hospital again. That was bad enough but they decided I needed to move to a long term care facility. My life felt like it ended. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I was numb. I don't even know if I was depressed or not. I just felt like everything was surreal. After a 2 month stay at Chez City Hospital, I was moved to Porteous Lodge. Severe depression set in. Most people here are over 80 and make new friends every day. I couldn't bear to see what I see here. I've gotten used to it. I'm even involved in some committees etc in the home. I'm learning to find a new me and a new life. The best part is my relationship with Kristianne is the best it's been in so many years. Aaron has started to call or text "for no reason, just wanna chat". That has me over the moon! We're working to build things back up. Kristianne loves me more than I realized and even brings friends to come play games and hang out! For the first time in life, I feel like I am a good mom and that my kids love me unconditionally! The rest will come with time. But for now, I can say I raised two awesome kids! Completed one life goal!!