June 3

My energy levels are up most days but I'm still not strong enough to do much. It's very frustrating. Of course, I'm afraid to do much when I'm home alone, but by the time Kristi gets home I am wearing down...and she has homework and is tired too. There's nothing we can do about that. I'll adjust.
I've been trying to walk more, but I'm so wobbly that I can't carry most things (when I walk to get a drink the cup is nearly empty by the time I get from the kitchen to the couch!) so then it's simpler and faster (and cleaner!) to use my chair. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm so happy to have more energy for now. I'm happy that I'm brave enough to try to walk. I'm just not very patient and I don't like others to do things for me so I won't be completely happy until I'm independent again.
On the up side I was able to load the dishwasher, sweep the floor and vacuumed the living room! I'm always excited when I have the energy to at least do that!
A few months ago if I did all that I needed to lay down and have Kristi take care of me for the rest of the day. One of these days I'll be able to do that much...and clean the rest of the house! But for now, this is an improvement!
It's going to get better...I'm going to get stronger!!!

Finally...

I honestly intended to keep up with my blogging. It's a healthy outlet and I find it very fulfilling to write about what's happening in my life. Then life got tough. I wasn't ready to share what was really happening; what I was really struggling with. I became very depressed but I was in denial. I pretended everything was fine. It wasn't. I'm not going to go into details because other people are a part of my struggles and they don't necessarily want their part in it published.
I have been working very hard to try to clean the house, but I can only do half of what needs to be done from my chair. Doing half a job every day results in the house getting out of control after a while. So I got frustrated and added that to my struggles.
Recently I asked a dear friend who has a cleaning business to come and help me. I don't think she knows what she's in for, but she's coming tomorrow! She may run away screaming when she sees what needs to be done! It'll be nice to have company and help.
The depression is beginning to lift as things start coming together to allow me more freedom. We are looking at how I can begin to drive now that I have hand controls. I just need to get stronger so I can use the walker more and/or figure out a way to get my chair in the car. It's still frustrating as lots of public places say they are accessible, but aren't. They don't get that slapping a sticker in their window does not make it easy for me to get through a narrow entrance, up a slope or over a cement block. Being disabled is far more...I don't know...it's just harder than I ever imagined!
I know I'm a strong person. I can deal with most of it. But everyone has a breaking point. I'm trying to prevent breakage!
On the up side, I've been helping Kristi by proofreading the ridiculous number of essays she has to write for her English classes. The nerd in me loves doing this and it's part of what brought me back to my blog! She's doing so well in school and will pass these last two classes with flying colours!
She got her grad photos done and I cried when I saw them! With all the struggles, failures and delays, this kid fought through and did it! We did it!! She's graduating!! I've never been so proud in my life!! It's so exciting!