Able to Love

In the 13 months since I've lived in a care home my level of ability has decreased rather dramatically. I stubbornly still try to do things myself but there are days I'm so exhausted I just let my care aides help with things I should be able to do. On those days, I feel ashamed of myself for accepting help I really didn't need. Then I beat myself up for that. I spiral and tell myself I'm useless and I'm worthless and I'm just a burden. I always know that those are lies but I've always been hard on myself and this is what I do. Eventually I get sick of feeling that way and pick myself back up.

I remember that the one thing that this stupid disease can't take away from me is my ability to love. I have family and friends that I love so fiercely. I'm so happy when I remember that. 

I am now struggling to transfer in and out of cars. That just started a couple months ago. Well, that's not true. I've struggled for a while. Now it's almost impossible. So now Kristianne is thinking of selling the car to get a crossover or small SUV. That will extend the amount of time I can have her drive me places. So while I'm proud that I've raised a daughter that considers me in a decision like that, I feel bad because I know she actually really wants a small car but tries to accommodate and include me. She loves me. Now I can't have friends just pick me up to go out spontaneously. I've always been quite spontaneous so this is a very hard thing to get used to. But I will, eventually. My friends are very understanding and just adjust plans and come visit me instead. They love me. 

I feel like I complain a lot. I don't mean to, but I feel the need to explain myself all the time. So I'm really not complaining, just explaining. 

I am able to entertain friends. I volunteer here at the home with as much as I can. I am a Resident Advisor on the Long Term Care Advisory Council and that has led to me having so many opportunities I never would have had. I am able to watch my great nieces for a few hours at a time and love that! Most of all, I'm able to love!!